April 29, 1970
There are things… really interesting things.
Strangely, you might say there are numbers of miracles, that is, things that contradict all habits, but they hide, they veil themselves—but as for me, I see them.
You know that in the night that followed the darshan, they found Rishabhchand… For almost a year he had asked me to leave. So, when he asked me to leave (he asked quite in earnest: he was suffering a lot, quite miserable), I did what I always do: I presented his request to the Supreme Lord and said to Him… And then, he didn’t leave. He recovered. He recovered and for some time he was much better. But his will to go remained. So then, on the day of darshan (I think he saw me, I don’t know), he disappeared from his room, and they found his body partly on the shore, partly in the water. As it was a public place, the police asked for an autopsy, and it was done: there wasn’t a drop of water in his stomach, which means he didn’t drown. And it does seem, according to what people say, that he didn’t drown (but I didn’t see the body, so I am not absolutely sure), but one thing is sure, it’s that he left his body, and another thing is sure, it’s that he did not kill himself…. He went out before 4 in the morning (they don’t know at what time—sometime in the night). At 4 they realized he had gone out. No one heard him leave. And he died, obviously but he did not kill himself. So what happened?… He had a bump at the forehead: he fell down.
There was a kind of hole. He must have fallen down and hit a rock.
But were there rocks there?
Yes, Mother, in front of the Distillery they are piling up tons of rocks.
Oh, it was in front of the Distillery!
It’s not clear, because he was found on the sand, a little farther. But the face had been hit.
But he didn’t drown, I am sure of that. It’s a so-called “accident,” which means he left… You understand, he was really imploring to go, and he went out—he must have been guided where he had to go.
But then, I should tell you that some people are telling very stupid stories on Rishabhchand’s departure.
Oh, what do they say?
Well, they say he committed suicide.
But that’s not true!
And then people like C., for instance, in their ignorant goodwill, say, “Well, some yogis do have a fall like that, at the end of their lives….” It’s stupid!
Yes. But they told me too, that’s how they broke the news to me! They told me that Rishabhchand had “committed suicide.” There was in me a categorical NO…. I didn’t say it. I didn’t say, I waited; because if I had said something, they would have… I didn’t say anything, I waited. Then they told me that the police had demanded the body, and later on they said, “Well, the police found there wasn’t a drop of water in his stomach.” So he didn’t throw himself into the water. And it was the only thing he could have done.
But Mother, they went to the extent of going to find little Astha in her sports group, and they told her, “Aren’t you ashamed, your grandfather committed suicide, aren’t you ashamed!”
And then, in the Ashram, people say… They’re stupid. And C. in the lead, Mother!… All that is ignorant.
I comforted the little one (because they came), and Munnu [the elder granddaughter] asked me… no, she didn’t ask me anything, but there was a question in her eyes, so I told her, “He’s all right, my child, don’t worry.” Then she questioned me, and I said, “He’s quite all right, he didn’t kill himself”—I’m sure of that.
But I found it was… it was all guided so wonderfully! It was… (how can I put it?), to make myself understood, I prayed: I prayed that if it were really possible, well, let him be helped to leave. And that’s what was done (but I had done it the previous time).
It came just at the right time.
He had completed his work; you see, the first time when he asked to leave, he hadn’t completed his Life of Sri Aurobindo, while this time he had completed it—he had nothing more to say.
And also he had seen you.
He had seen me on the darshan day. He didn’t choose any other day.
(Sujata:) Has he come to you [after his departure]?
Not in a form. I had an impression… Just when he left, I had… (I didn’t know anything about it, I was in my bed—I don’t sleep, of course), but I had a strange vision. I was someone (and afterwards I thought it was he, I was with him—I say “I” because that’s how it presented itself in the night, but I knew it wasn’t me: I knew it was someone else). The Lord had asked me to come and meet Him atop a mountain; so I went there, but I didn’t want others to know… (let me add one thing: it was in the night, just when the thing was taking place, which means that even physically, materially I didn’t know anything). I went to the meeting place, but I didn’t want others to see me, so I went to the top of the mountain and… I couldn’t see the Lord. I said, “How? He is there and I don’t see Him, how? He is hiding well.” And finally: “Now it’s time, I can no longer see Him….” And I went back down—I went back down, I met people and didn’t want them to stop me; then I had some difficulties, I saw people, and then I felt as if those people, the mountain and everything… were fading away, fading away more and more. And then, when the thing had faded away, it was time for me to get up, which means it was.
I was very preoccupied by that vision. Preoccupied, I wondered, “What can it be? What can it be, someone whom the Lord had asked to come and meet Him but who could not see Him?…” Then a few hours later, they told me (told me with the usual brutality), “Rishabhchand killed himself last night.”
Then they explained: “His servant came, entered his room, and found Rishabhchand wasn’t there. No one had seen him go out, and the servant found him drowned on the seaside….”
I didn’t say anything, I strongly felt, IT’S NOT TRUE. Then afterwards—long afterwards—they told me about the police and how, finally, he was half in the water, half on the shore, and with a blow to the head. Then I understood. I understood that the Lord had asked him to come and meet Him… (Mother gestures as if taking Rishabhchand by the hand), had him leave his house. But in his consciousness (my “dream” must have stopped at the point where he physically lost consciousness), in his PHYSICAL consciousness, he could not see Him. Then it became clear!
You know, I found that so marvelous! Because the experiences I have now… I never had such precise and concrete experiences, because these are experiences of the body. I had that experience, and when I got up in the morning, I wondered, “What on earth can this mean?…” I knew it wasn’t me, but I couldn’t know who it was. I knew it wasn’t me. “The Lord asked me to come and meet Him, I went to meet Him, and I could not see Him…”—his body left, and he saw Him.
Very interesting! I haven’t told anyone, I am only telling you.
I found it… You know, when I had the material proof that it was true, that he didn’t drown himself but died of an accident… but an accident that wasn’t an accident: he was led by the hand, “one” led him to the place where he banged his head.
It’s a magnificent thing.
The Lord asked him to come and meet Him, and he got up—he got up, feeling it was the Lord calling him; he left his room and went to bang his head on the rocks—the Lord led him…. It’s pretty, no?
And as I was identified with his physical consciousness, I felt the anguish he must have felt: “The Lord asked me to come and meet Him, but I cannot see Him….” And he didn’t want to be seen: “People must not see me, people must not see me….”
(Mother's Agenda, Volume 11, pp. 167-171)